‘I’m so sorry, my boobs aren’t what they used to be’, she says to me, eyes hidden behind falling hair, slowly removing her bra and promptly cuddling her boobs to her chest, shy to reveal them to me - the person she’s entrusted her nudity to.
‘They’re not like yours, yours are all small and perky. I wish my boobs were like yours’ - she’s still clutching her boobs and staring intently at mine, doing a mental comparison, then flitting her eyes to the floor and back at me, eye contact has disappeared along with her confidence.
This is at times the hardest part of this work, it’s that heartbreak when someone shows me their biggest vulnerability - their lack of confidence in the skin they’re in. It’s a hard thing, believe me I’m familiar with it, to reveal your most private physical parts of yourself to someone. To be witnessed undressing, unfiltered, under light - it can make us examine ourselves critically, it can make us want to hide. It can make us compare, and be truly unkind to ourselves. And I think part of that is sometimes that we are witnessing ourselves through a different lens than someone who wants to be intimate with you.
We drag our bodies around with us all day. Sometimes they feel heavy, often tired, sore or annoying. We struggle and endure with our bodies, we punish it sometimes, and sometimes it punishes us back. Our relationship with our bodies is entirely about function, and sometimes it’s a more symbiotic relationship than others - sometimes it’s all out war. This is our lens to how we see our bodies. But as a lover, this isn’t how we view a body or a person. I'm professionally witnessing all types of bodies, and experiencing people with various relationships with their own physicality, so I’m seeing you differently to how you are.
I can’t enforce positive self-speak with the people I bed, that’s up to them and the work they’re willing to put into that relationship. It does break my heart to witness someone beating themselves up, usually over a perceived ‘flaw’ that I either can’t see or actually really like. What I can do is do my best to make people comfortable in that moment, and tell them what I see.
To me, your body is perfect - because it belongs to you. You’re a person who I like (I assume, else you’d likely not be here), who is kind, who is opening up to me and giving me the privilege of sharing space with you. You’re stripped down, a little vulnerable, and you’re open to a good time. Society has done a number on people, particularly women but also men, by telling us what you should look like, enforcing harmful gender roles, body image requirements, perceived norms, and Instagram really hasn’t helped. Our bodies change, and sometimes we mourn what they used to be rather than adjusting our perspective to enjoy how it is now. We often wish we’d fully appreciated the ‘past body’ when we had it, yet we haven’t even begun appreciating it now. When will you start? The things you may have come to think as desirable in a body often actually lay outside the norm, and setting yourself against those standards is harmful, and not based on any kind of reality.
Truth is, I love gravity. So your boobs don’t sit up announced like a territorial chihuahua anymore? Great, I am *very* much into boobs that squish, that move, that I can get lost in. You have a tummy that you want to hide? Honestly, I love a tummy - I try not to make people self conscious, but have you felt a belly? It feels delightful! A guy with a belly is nice to ride, and I love to rub them, run my fingers over them, bump my head against them during oral - bellies are sensorily lovely. A belly on a woman is soft, just like her skin and makes her look like an oil painting. Self conscious about your genitals? I’ve never met a clean dick or pussy that wasn’t a good time. Yet, people talk negatively to me about their vulvas - their absolutely normal and delightful pussies, and dick wielders will moan also about their size or shape. Trust me, they’re all good.
I am not a perfect person. Through years of getting my clothes off professionally, I’ve done the work to keep myself in a fairly body-neutral frame of mind, most of the time, and actively give thanks for the things my body does for me. I largely believe that the body is only a portion of what is attractive about a person but it doesn't stop us putting a mammoth amount of emphasis on it. I myself am not immune to having negative thoughts about parts of my body, that other people no doubt adore. I used to be self conscious about my big booty, but I have grown to appreciate that other people enjoy that about me. The little boobs you love, well I used to shove my Mum’s shoulder pads down my bra when I went to school, so that hasn’t always been a friendly relationship. I think it’s important to keep a lens on yourself of that of a lover - how would you see yourself? How have your lovers looked at you when you take your clothes off? I’ve never done a couple’s booking where people didn’t look at each other like they’re a snack - because, well you are. That’s a lover’s lens, and it’s much kinder to you than you are to yourself. If you’re often self deprecating like me, you could shrug it off as bias, but it isn’t that, I believe when people view you intimately, it’s the most honest way a person can see you. We ourselves carry bias by having been conditioned to be so self critical.
I’m looking at you, your boobs, your body, your self, with a lover’s lens - I’m seeing your beautiful squishy body, the cheeky smile, your lovely belly, chewable earlobes and soft hair. I’m into your body hair, I’m into the gold tooth you hide with your hand, your little feet and features you don’t even know you have. I'm into the things your body does with mine. You have many things to adore about you, and they may be things you view differently, but to me are perfect. Your body is worthy of kindness, and if you can’t give it to yourself, then I’m going to do my best to do that for you, because I promise you’re so much hotter than you think.
PETRA FOX
Twitter: @foxandthefeline
Instagram: @foxandthefeline
Web: petrafox.com.au
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