That Man

 I throw him off me, using all my strength and a sudden sense of gratitude to myself for working out so much lately. This fucker can go to hell, I’m not putting up with this one moment longer. He lunges back for me and I hit him, holding back more than I should because I really don’t want the legal he said/she said if he leaves here with injuries. He just won’t take no for an answer, he apologises, but only as he keeps coming back to paw at me more, which I’ve screamed No at him about at least a dozen times already. He doesn’t relent going for me until I threaten the police - apparently the only kind of authority he has any kind of respect for. When he’s gone I cry, not even because this man was violating my consent, but because having to get physical with someone, having to defend myself, it scares me. I know I’m strong, but I always hope to never have to find out just what I’m capable of. At least I know I can keep myself safe, clearly I can’t rely on them to do that.

I had a client booked in after, and I knew he was excited to see me. I still needed the money and I really didn’t want to be that person who cancels because of drama at such short notice. So I open the door with a smile, and thankfully he is totally lovely. I can put the assault behind me for a little bit and remember that clients are usually great. He texts me after to tell me that he had a great time, and I know I’ve done my job well - I put my shit in a box for a moment and I delivered. 

But shit never stays in a box for long. I had booked a massage for that evening with a voucher I had been given, and it seemed a great idea to still go, do the self care thing. I earned it today. But two hours of pampering gave me way too much silence and time in my own head. It didn’t help anything other than my achey muscles. I rant to my friends, who all understand as we have all lived these experiences, sadly enough. They make my feelings about the event feel valid. There’s pressure to go to the police, which annoys me as surely we all also understood that lack of evidence was a factor, and the justice system is hopeless and retraumatising (I know from experience). But mostly I feel better. 

The rest of the week goes really well. People I’ve never met gift me, I had some absolute sweetheart clients. A booking I was excited about cancelled, which was sad but they paid my full fee into my account with an apology. Online stuff is positive, work is positive, and I remember that I love the job, the work isn’t the issue, it’s just that man. That man who couldn’t take no for an answer, who assaulted me and wouldn’t stop. 

And I’m reminded why we appreciate gifts and good clients so much. There is always a group, usually men on review boards, who hate the way sex workers ask to be treated well, or that we get gifts and tips. It really isn’t about any entitlement, but about the fact that there must be a silver lining that keeps us here, even when clients assault us or treat us poorly. We need the benefits, we need the displays of kindness, because it’s those amazing clients, even generous fans with the bonus extras, that help us heal when something goes terribly wrong. It is an unfortunate fact that bad men sometimes seek out escorts as prey - thinking they can buy consent and do whatever they want. And if most clients weren’t good, and some people weren’t generous - our spirit would not survive long being here. Nurturing good clients and fostering a culture of generosity and rewards, means that we can take a little time off to be okay after a bad event, we can have our faith renewed, and continue to be enthusiastic service providers, because we can be conditioned to know that everything will get better. 

I’m sorry this wasn’t the most upbeat post, but I think it’s important for people to know it isn’t always rainbows and orgasms. There is a dark side to this work, and if you’re a person who brings a little light with you to a session, thankfully the majority, know that you are appreciated and the reason that I still get up each day excited to be in this lifestyle. Your adoration and generosity does not go unnoticed, in fact it’s why after 10 years, I am still here fucking and writing, and always opening the door with a smile.

PETRA FOX

Twitter: @foxandthefeline

Instagram: @foxandthefeline

Web: petrafox.com.au