I’m writing this one for my peers.
I understand this platform was put here so clients can read it, educate themselves, get a better idea of me, entertain them or show I have enough brain cells that I can hold a conversation in a booking. It’s an outlet too I suppose. But this one is for my peers because it’s a topic I’m deeply passionate about and I’ve had this conversation enough times recently that I figured it was worth writing down. And if clients read that, I am trusting everyone here to be adult enough to recognise that sex workers have lives outside of their profession and there are some issues we come up against that perhaps you hadn’t thought about.
I’m quite open about having a personal love life - it’s something I consider to be important to me. As I recently mentioned somewhere on Twitter, having that balance between sleeping with people who have chosen me, and sleeping with people I’ve chosen for myself, helps to keep my headspace regarding sex and intimacy in a healthy place. I’m a romantic, I love love, and I have quite a lot of experience with navigating love, dating and relationships with this field of work.
After my divorce, I moved to Australia where I didn’t know a single person and decided that dating apps might be a fun way to meet people. It was my first experience ‘dating’ and asides from one or two little blips, it has been an enriching experience. I’ve been here for over 5 years now, I’ve fallen in and out of love, reaffirmed and come out as my sexuality as a bi/pan woman, delved into the world of polyamory (more recently) and through heart break and L words, I’ve been simultaneously sex working and dating with the two worlds co-existing nicely in a degree of harmony. It’s been a wonderful ride.
Dating as a sex worker has its challenges though. You don’t know if a person you’ve just met/matched with is a progressive minded person. You probably don’t know yet how sex-positive they are, what their views are on feminism, what type of feminism they might ascribe to, what their upbringing looked like or how possessive they might be in relationships. There’s a lot to feel out about a person that a lot of non sex-working people might not have to. While old school romance complete with jealousy and possessiveness might be admired in some people’s (my opinion outdated) world - that can be dangerous for us. So what I’m often asked by friends in the industry is - ‘so when do I tell them about my job?’.
I’m going to underline everything I say here as opinion, and not everyone is going to agree with me. I’ve definitely got the experience to back up my advice, but that’s really all it is, and everyone makes their own choices according to what works for them. I’ve often heard people give the advice that it’s better to tell someone after they get to know you, so they see that you’re more than just a job title. And I think that logic can make sense - let a person get to know you so they understand there’s a real person behind the job. But to me, the problem lies in how much extra that’s going to really fucking hurt, when and if you get rejected. Down the road, they’re no longer just rejecting the job title, they’re also rejecting you - plus they’re also going to be pretty mad that you lied to them. It’s my opinion that deception isn’t a great way to start any relationship, even if you did it to protect yourself. I don’t judge the choice to withhold this information by the way, we face a lot of stigma for what we do and opening ourselves up to judgment, particularly to people we might fancy, is terrifying. It can be nice just to be a civilian in someone's eyes for a while. But sooner or later whether you disclose, or they stumble across an advert or whatever - it's coming out and it's not going to be smooth sailing, it's going to be emotive and there's a high chance that you will not be met with immediate understanding.
Outing yourself to anyone as a sex worker is a big deal. People can get pretty mad, vengeful or vindictive when they find out we have sex for a job. Something about it really ticks people off. I don’t understand it, but it’s true. I myself am quite careful in some of my circles, as people with conservative upbringings in particular are simply never going to understand me. So outing yourself to someone you’ve just met or started talking to can seem like a really risky move - and it is. But there’s the other side to that - people who are more invested in you - that you’ve already been dating for a while, have more emotions at play when you eventually tell them what you do - and it’s my opinion that that is much more dangerous to you, especially when you throw feelings of deception in the mix.
My ‘strategy’ is to tell people before the first date. Whether that’s dating sites or the occasional person I have flirtations with at places I frequent - I never date a person who doesn’t know. I want to know, before I waste an evening where I could be working or doing literally anything else - if that person is going to be chill about my work before I invest time, energy and feelings into anything. Emphasis on ‘chill’ here, I also don’t want to date a person who fetishises it or is interested in the work beyond a healthy curiosity. Maybe we have a chat for a while about other things, and I usually keep the topic away from occupations for as long as humanly possible to see if I actually like them as a person, but eventually, and always before a date, I casually drop my job into the topic of conversation. I don’t frame it as an apology, I don’t frame it as a disclaimer, I don’t try to minimise it with a ‘but I do other things too’, I just talk about it like anyone who works in an office does - just as a simple fact. I’ll feel out what kind of questions they’re asking, and assess from there whether that first date is happening. If they aren’t chill or they start interrogating me, I just leave it. They aren’t really invested in me at this point and vice versa so there’s no real loss and it’s unlikely anything bad will come of it. They do not actually know who I am at this point anyway even if they wanted to be nasty.
On dating apps, I want to tell all sex workers quite categorically - NEVER SIGN UP UNDER YOUR REAL NAME. Do not link to your personal social media. Not only could a match go poorly, but there are also clients on dating apps. In fact I pretty much recommend not having your real name anywhere on the internet, tbh, wherever possible. This isn’t suspicious - many civilians have fake Facebook names and stuff because being a person, especially female and trans on the internet is actually pretty risky in general. Protect your identity first and NEVER tell potential dates your working name. I made this mistake early on and a couple of months after that date went poorly, they started txting me quoting my work website information and being a real dickhead. Keep them separate!
Some people might think that mentioning it so early on will encourage judgement, but for me - I’d like to know right away if they’re the kind of person who would judge - I don’t really think I would change their mind by waiting longer to tell them. I’m quite conscious of my own time, I don’t have a whole heap of it spare, so I have no intention of wasting it on someone who isn’t already at a point of social progressiveness and sexual positivity as I am. That’s not labour I really want to have to put into someone, it sounds like a lot of hard work.
Being single isn’t a bad thing. You’re a wonderful, beautiful and desirable person and that’s why people pay for your company - don’t sell yourself short on anyone who isn’t quite right, live your life with joy and if the right person comes along, great. If not, that’s also great - I think far too many people jump into relationships for the sake of it and have little time to evolve as individuals on their own. I also think though that a lot of us carry internalised stigma and feel we have to make difficult compromises in order to find love and sometimes settle for less than what we deserve. It breaks my heart when I hear peers saying they’re giving up on a personal sex/love life as I do believe deeply that we are all deserving of love and should be able to enjoy intimacy on our own time if we want to (also if you're a person that's quite kinky, having a safe personal space for play is quite important as client-side sex is still ultimately about the client over your own needs). I also find it hard to witness people in unhealthy relationships, fearing to leave in case no-one else will ever ‘accept’ their job.
Our job isn’t something to be tolerated or endured by partners. It isn’t something that should be held over us, that we feel we should live quietly and apologetically for. Dating is scary and for us has different layers of complexity, but each of us deserves cheerleaders and supporters in our lives, and my own philosophy with dating is that if your eyes aren't open for it, it won’t just magically appear for you like it does in the movies. Meet-cutes are literary, not reality. And while people often suggest dating clients, it’s my own anecdotal experience that this is messier than it immediately sounds, and dating people away from our industry gives us space to breathe away from the noise and expands our personal horizons. That’s an individual choice though. The tone we set for ourselves with dating can determine how we are received, and in disclosing our occupation with a degree of pride, it encourages the same in others. I believe if we treat it as a dark secret to people we let into our lives, they’ll hold it over us as one, and leaves us open to hurt and abuse. I want my peers to always tread carefully and protect their heart, but also not to close it off and deny themselves the same joys in life that others in life take for granted - you deserve love, intimacy and great sex on your own terms, with people who see you for the glorious You that you are.
PETRA FOX
Twitter: @foxandthefeline
Instagram: @foxandthefeline
Web: petrafox.com.au
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