So you’re a virgin?

I’ve been a sex worker for a long time, and in that time I’ve seen probably hundreds of clients who would call themselves virgins. No inexperienced person presents the same, in fact a lot of people have told me that they were novices AFTER we’ve had sex, which honestly I don’t greatly appreciate.

So you’re a virgin. You’re frustrated it hasn’t happened for you yet, or sex is something you’re entirely nervous about, but still curious. There’s lots of reasons why an inexperienced person might seek out a sex worker, one is simply our availability to you, and another is that we may seem like a safe option.

Let me start out by saying that I personally see virginity as a heteronormative societal construct that’s largely used as misogyny to classify women as either pure or sluts, and I think the concept needs to be dumped entirely. It shames women and paralyses others with pressure and anxiety who seek to ‘lose’ it, to prove either manhood or virility. Virginity is a non existent state of being, and it isn’t ‘queer friendly’ in terms of - have you lost your virginity if there was no penis in vagina sex? And why do we say we lost our virginity, as opposed to given it, it's ours to give is it not? It took me a long time to realise I’d actually given my ‘virginity’ to a girl - because virginity in itself is so penis-centric in invention, when in fact other sex acts are still sex. And some people just don’t wanna fuck - Asexual people are valid and lack of desire to have sex is not something that’s ‘wrong’ with you.

However, there is an inherent need in most of us to seek intimacy. And if you’re a person who hasn’t much personal experience with intimate touch, it can be a lonely experience and I entirely understand people seeking that out. ‘Skin hunger’ is a real thing - we know that people in aged care live longer with regular touch than those who don’t. There’s something quite human about the longing for cuddles and affection - and we’ve been quite starved of that through both the disruption of family and community that has occurred through societal ‘progress’, but also now the pandemic we’re in where in-person contact has been so greatly minimised and demonised. 

Often when I meet clients who profess they’re virgins, they harbour almost a kind of shame around that fact. As if not having had sex makes them ‘lesser’ somehow, that they’re somehow undesirable. And I’d like to assure people that lack of sexual experience is nothing to be ashamed of. Often it simply comes down to the fact that you’ve been respectful of other people’s boundaries, been shy, too focused on your study/career, haven’t found someone you feel safe enough with etc - and that’s all perfectly normal and reasonable, no matter your age. I’m glad you’ve chosen to see a sex worker, it’s a very rational and sensible way to gain experience without your own or a potential partner’s feelings getting hurt. Besides, we have the experience to know how to deal with inexperience - minimal ‘awkwardness’. 

It’s best you let your provider know you’re inexperienced, you won’t necessarily be treated any differently, but I like to take extra care with talking people through what’s happening, educating them a bit about safe sex as we go along and not assuming any sex act is gonna take place at any kind of pace. I can then recommend suitable timeframes for you to book (please, don’t have sex for the first time in a 15 minute quickie with someone you’ve done zero research on) and what the session will or won’t involve. Surprising me after the act with this information feels a bit off - it robs me of the ability to make professional choices and guidance during the booking. Some sex workers do have an attachment to the concept of virginity and don't feel morally right popping someone's 'cherry', and that's their right to choose also. 

I have no personal investment in whether or not we have ‘sex’ during our session - my fee is the same regardless, so this should be an assurance to you that there is no pressure on you to do any more than you’re comfortable with during our time, or to ‘perform’ or impress. My emotional and professional pay off comes from making people happy. If that means simply just introducing you to touch, or to make you laugh and get to know each other a bit, maybe you just see and touch me naked but not much more happens - that’s ok. If you think about it, a booking can be a bit like an accelerated one-night stand, and not everybody is comfortable in that scene. Sometimes it takes a few dates to get to know a person, to trust them with your body and that intimate part of yourself that the world never sees. So for me - making you feel safe is my number one goal and the thing I pride myself in the most - before sex even comes into the picture. I like to think I’m good at that too… but if we can’t get to that part without you being totally happy and comfortable, then that’s cool. That isn’t unusual or weird.

A lot of clients come to see us for no reason other than having an itch they need to scratch on a Tuesday. I’d say that clientele makes up a significant portion of industry clients. But I think an equally large part of our industry is made up of people who do need to be made to feel safe. So many of my clients are inexperienced (or, they were), people who have experienced trauma, queer folk, neurodiverse people, people from very religious or conservative upbringings, disabled people or people who lack confidence. This isn’t just a quick root and boot for them, and to create a safe and accepting space for people is one of the most important parts of my job.

Sex work is a caring profession, and while the power dynamic of sex work is definitely a bit more askew than more societally accepted caring professions, there is a kind of duty of care that comes with being in an intimate space with people who may be a bit more vulnerable. I think by nature, people drawn to sex work are often naturally ‘nurturing’ types, which is why probably half the workers I know who study or move into other careers, end up in nursing, psychology or social work - they really aren’t that far off what we’re doing now, with a lot more paperwork. Which is why I think booking a sex worker for your intimate experiences if you’re a bit of a novice, is probably one of the better self care choices you could make - we’re here to support you and give you a safe space to fumble your way into a little more confidence, without fear of embarrassment.

There are some mistakes I think inexperienced people make, and I’ll aim this advice at my penis-wielding clients. There can be this sense of pressure to ‘perform’, so let me state with a degree of emphasis - sex workers are not here to be ‘impressed’ by sexual acts. We can be impressed by things like personal hygiene, timeliness, politeness and generosity, but we will never be impressed by whatever you think your dick can or can’t do - penetrative sex is abundant for us. So please, do not do yourself a disservice by furiously wanking prior to your session, with the hopes it means you’ll last longer in a booking. Often times, you may be so nervous, even subconsciously, you cannot get an erection at all. And that’s also ok. But this level of pressure you may put on yourself won’t help your perceived performance or your experience. It’s always best to turn up with an open mind, and to try and stay present and in the moment with your date. That’s how you’re going to have the best time - it isn’t by focusing on your dick. Most of us will probably teach you that foreplay is the real key to our enjoyment anyway. People have sex without a penis involved all the time, so do not make it the focus of a booking - it’s an accessory, not the whole point. 

Mostly, I hope you find joy in it. Enjoy yourself, enjoy the person you’re with and relish the experience knowing that if you 'lose your virginity’ to a sex worker it is going to be fun, safe and uncomplicated. But remember - you’re still the same person walking out the door who walked in, because virginity is an invention of the patriarchy. Intimacy is pretty frickin’ nice though.

PETRA FOX

Twitter: @foxandthefeline

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